Lesson in Trial

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Sweet little child be safe with the Lord,
Precious child we know you have been taken away,
The angel came down, wrapped its wings around you to comfort you and keep you warm,
With our Heavenly Father you will stay,
Your pure little face, we have been blessed and know that we’ll see you again one day,
A promise has been made, and the Lord never takes his promises away.

Nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:39

In the last month or so my husband and I have been going through an unexpected trial, sometimes I feel like I’m crawling though it, and other times I’m running. The response has been very unpredictable, and we have had to, as a friend told us, ‘expect the unexpected’, which I now completely understand.

What happened? My husband and I went for our 12 week baby scan to discover that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. We have two beautiful children, and I can remember so vividly when we went for their scan. I could just tell by the response of the ultrasonographer (or lack of) that this time we weren’t going to be cooing over the little movements and gasping in amazement at the tiny sounds of the fast little heartbeat, and the tears were not going to be tears of joy, this time I knew it wasn’t the news we had been praying for. Then the comforting touch of the ultrasonographers hand came to my arm, and that was enough for me. I’ll never forget that touch.

I couldn’t comprehend anything the days that followed, my husband and I felt like we were living in a dream, but each morning when we woke, we were faced with the reality of what we had been told, my stomach felt like it had been tied up inside ten times over, my heart was broken, could anyone say anything right, NO, did I want to see anyone, NO, did I want to carry on with the usual daily tasks because I had to, NO, I became angry with everything. Since then my emotions have been unpredictable, let’s just say I’m ‘hard work’ !

However, since the scan I have come to terms with the fact that God planned this traumatic trial in our lives for only reasons he understands and only he knows, which may or may not become apparent to us in the near future.

“The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:17-19

It was the morning before the scan, I was feeling full of excitement with some nerves, but mainly just excited. My first two children were perfect, why would I be worried? I had this overwhelming desire to write, I felt the need to express the importance of prayer. Why? Well, it became apparent after the 12 week scan. The realisation hit me, what I had written and how I had expressed my thoughts about prayer that morning before the scan, in my scribbled down notes, was God was preparing me. He was showing me and reminding me of the importance of prayer, the importance of drawing near to him and trusting him, and how prayer can change our relationship with our Lord. He will give us the strength we need (Isaiah 41:10).

This is what I had written:

I had an overwhelming desire to express the importance of prayer this morning. The more we pray the closer we can be to the Lord. Our father wants us to speak to him, we are his children. Not just once a week, not just in the morning, or before dinner, all through the day! Sometimes he will answer immediately, other times we need patience, but if we put all our trust in the Lord he will answer and be close to us. We face trials, and we must persevere, but we can walk through these trials with the strength of the Lord, knowing that he has our hand as we walk. It’s incredible the peace, joy and love we can have from our Lord. We just need to keep communicating with him and seeking him and know that nothing is impossible for him when we put our trust in him.

Following the scan I was being shown the importance of us coming together in prayer for one another and how this draws us closer to our father and builds our relationship with Christ and each other, I was reminded of how blessed we are to have each other, how we can build each other up in different situations during our lives, and grow together. We can continue to stand firm together.

During our trials we may not always be given what we desire but we can give thanks that we have our father to give us the strength we need to keep going and that he can give us his strength through one another.

I am going through so many emotions right now, God gave us emotions, without any emotions why would we need to come to him? Ask for his help? How would we grow and build our relationship with him? We reach out to God during times that we are vulnerable and broken hearted and he wants to walk with us. God wants us to come to him, he wants us to cry out. I have learnt that no longer will I ask God to take away the emotions that we are supposed to feel, no longer was I going to feel guilty and pressured to move on, I was going to ask God to help me with these emotions, ask him to teach me to overcome them, not take them away, but deal with them, and walk through them with God walking through with me every step of the way, guiding me.

Following the trauma of the miscarriage, (there I’ve said it, I’m not sure if I’m alone on this one but I’ve found it really difficult to say that word let alone write it) I began to experience feelings of fear and anxiety. With that comes withdrawal from your usual day to day life. Thankfully I am surrounded by family and friends that wouldn’t let that continue for long. What was I fearful of? Fearful of becoming depressed again, fearful of continued waking in the night from bad dreams, fearful of loved ones being taken away from me as quickly as our precious baby was taken away, fearful of not coping and the vicious cycle of ‘I’m not good enough’ kicking in.

One night I woke to the sound of a storm, the rain hammering down on the window. It reminded me of God’s power, and what it might feel like during the end days (OK, so this might sound dramatic to you, it was very heavy rain on our bedroom windows!) That particular stormy night didn’t make me think it was actually the end days, but it made me think about the strength and power controlled by our almighty God. He is so powerful and awesome, and has such strength that our minds can’t even comprehend it. Wow! Fear came to mind, what it meant to really, truly fear God. The next afternoon in prayer, I was thanking God for reminding me of the true meaning of fear. It made me think about how God tells us not to worry, have anxiety or fear anything but him. He is our saviour, he is the one who will stand by us always, he is the one that loves us more than any other, he is the one who forgives us like no other and he knows our every thought, every move, and will guide us through our path every single step of the way.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

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